My Stupid Mouth

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oops mouth handHave you ever wished you had not said something?  This is a daily occurrence for me since I was a child; a teenager; in college; and yes even now.  It’s really like some form of cosmic karma that continuously sends words straight from my brain out my mouth.  It’s possible that they even skipped the brain part of the journey.  Boy I wish there was an on-deck circle for my random thoughts… some sort of a verbal waiting room for them to sit patiently in until they have been properly vetted. 

Honestly that would be perfect, right.  Or perhaps some form of pause button that an omnipotent social censor could press giving me a built in time-delay between thought and broadcast… like my own version of the FCC.  Just without the wardrobe malfunction fines for my naked shout outs please.  I am not uneducated and clearly understand proper behavior and protocols, but being partially blind, I tend to only see the offensive contextual perspectives in hindsight.

HR seminar classAt the ripe age of 17 I once asked the (slightly older) teller at our local bank out for dinner.  She politely informed me that she was already married, which was evidently humorous to all the other tellers and customers in line.  My response was “Well then we’ll let him drive”.   I have introduced my spouse as “My first wife”… though she was quick enough to follow that up with “and his last”.  I have skirted the wrath of HR numerous times in our very politically correct company where I work.  But since I still work there and wish to continue experiencing stable W2 employment (because this blogging thing is paying so well), I won’t expand on these transgressions.  However you can imagine the possibilities when taking mandatory training on “Welcoming Lesbians,  Gays and Transgenders into the Workforce”…”Treatment of Others”...”Sexual Harassment” …”Business Etiquette”… “Negotiating Win-Win Solutions”…”Developing Supplier Relationships”...”Social Networking at Work”…etc.

Who is to blame for my condition?  All this pain is clearly the result of my highly developed rapier-like wit, and as every social expert knows, we are products of our environments.  So I am blaming my parents.  They raised me to be insensitive; articulate; opinionated and verbose.  They taught me that every topic or conversation is a plum waiting to be picked - and who wouldn’t jump in and reap the ripe fruit of a verbal faux pas? 

oops signIf only everyone else had my sense of timing, humor, and intellect I would never have to apologize again, and again, and again.

 

 

 

“MY STUPID MOUTH” - By John Mayer

My stupid mouth has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see she was offended
She said "well anyway"
Just dying for a subject change

Oh, another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do?
I guess he better find one soon

We bit our lips
She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess
With the salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly
An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good, what just slipped out
And what went wrong

Oh, another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do?
I guess he better find one soon

I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery than she desert me
Oh, I'm never speaking up again
Starting now

One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just want to be liked; I just want to be funny
Look like the joke's on me
So call me Captain Backfire

Oh, another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do?
I guess he better find one soon

I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery than she desert me
Oh, I'm never speaking up again
I'm never speaking up again
I'm never speaking up again
Starting now

 

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